Wandering eyes...can anyone loan me blinders???

Tell me something... if I am truly wanting things to work out with R, is it normal for me to be EXTREMELY attracted to someone else?? I never had that happen before, when things were going well...
J is ex-military, very ambitious, very energetic... and VERY respectful... and has the longest, curliest eyelashes I have ever seen, outlining the bluest eyes...
Oh well... I just need to grow up, right? Stick with R, he is the father of my children... and he doesn't beat me (not in a bad way, anyway) and he doesn't hang out with the guys, and come home drunk all the time... and he loves me... that should be enough, right? Right.

Progress II

Just an afterthought to the last post...
R and I were married in 1985... I think the time we have invested in this relationship already merits sticking it out, don't you? He has been my best friend through all of this, if not always my best lover and partner at all times... that is worth fighting for too, I think....
And thanks again for all the great advice... nice to know that someone out there understands!

Progress

I really appreciate all the great advice and support from my last post. I realized that everything that was said is true... And R and I did need to talk about all of this.

We did talk a bit last night, and he did come to bed at the same time as me for a change, and things went even better after that...;-)
We also talked about the responsibility thing...He said he knew he was slipping, and that he would try harder, and not put things off, doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done.

Right in the middle of us trying to get our relationship back together, his company is sending him to Iowa. He will be gone 2 weeks, come home for a weekend, and be gone again, for another two weeks, and maybe go back again... *sigh* He probably won't leave for a week or so...
So, although we are making headway, it will be even slower going during that time!

Even the whole time we were separated, he has been my best friend. I don't know if I could really do without him completely or not... So, no matter how long it takes, I'm hanging in there...

R

Stewart called me at work about 6 am this morning...
I told him about R and I. He told me that I should give him a chance... He wants a "rondevous" with me, he says that I may not want R back if I would just give him one chance....
I discouraged him... But I didn't outright say no... Afterwards I couldn't figure out why I wasn't more forceful with him... (with Stewart it takes being rude for him to hear the word "no")
R is slipping into old habits... Just like he has in the past when we try to get things worked out... I hate to always be reminding him of things... He is a grown man, he should be able to take care of some things by himself, right?
He just keeps "forgetting" things... And he hardly ever sleeps, he gets home at 10 pm or later, stays up until 2 or 3 on the computer, and leaves the house at 6... I tell him how irresponsible this is, and how it is effecting his memory, and thought processes, but he just blows me off...
On the computer he is talking to other women... And looking at porn for hours...
we haven't had any sexual contact for at least 10 days.... I guess I'm feeling neglected...
Am I just being overly sensitive???

Just a thought

Funny thing, watching horror movies when you have been going through sleep deprivation for a while... hard to come up for air when the movie is over, and remember where you really are...

Meeting myself coming and going

Seems like forever since I have been here... I hardly even know what day it is anymore...LOL
I have worked 9 shifts in the last 8 days, worked all night, got off at 8 am and now am going back at 4pm...
I have done nothing but work and try to sleep... This turned out to be a great time to start my diet...LOL
The manager and I had finally got things worked out, everything was going great, *that girl* had quit, and now, this is the manager's last day. This company is so hard on managers they never last long... Now I will have to get used to a whole new person's way of doing things... I really should get into a different line of work.
Haven't even seen R much lately, he has been working late hours too... Leaving at 6am and getting home after 10pm every night... *sigh*
The things we do just to keep the lights on...
I will try to write more later (probably tomorrow) when I am more coherent...

In my world...

When I was with Hawke, he was teaching me his version of D/s... Didn't teach me much, actually.
How are R and I going to learn anything when neither of us know anything? LOL
I think D/s is an individual thing, obviously. Just about every D/s relationship is different, represents many different things. With us, so far, the D/s isn't being integrated a whole lot... We are still working on getting our marriage and family life back together. The D/s is always there, though, and it does help out... It sets up a sort of "tone", a bit more formal respect between us, I think. My trusting him like this has changed him, too, I think. He seems to be more sure of himself...
As far as the sex life goes, he loves to start our making love with warming my backside (almost as much as I love it!) I think, though, we are ready to move on to bigger and better things, more experimenting with other things.
We did make it over the whole financial hurdle that I was worried about. He gave in and gives me his check to put in the checking account to pay bills with, and I give him money from that account whenever he asks for it... I think he was afraid I wouldn't let him have any of it back without the third degree...LOL (He is a disaster with a checking account... he refuses to put his name on one again, which is a good thing!) We also have never used credit cards, for the same reason... he would have no self control..
I think that before we separated I was expecting him to fix everything that was wrong in my world... And not taking any of the responsibility myself. I also had no friends, not close to where we lived anyway, and I was too dependent on him for everything... I have grown past that, however, and everything that I see wrong I bring up to him, and if he helps me on it, great, if not, I go on and do it myself. This may be a totally simple concept, and everyone of you may be thinking "Duh!?" but I was raised by a woman who when she is in a relationship expects that man to be and do everything for her... And pouts and mopes when he doesn't. I thought it was normal. My mother can hold a grugde better than anyone I have ever seen... Still holding grudges from both her marriages, from her parents... Her first marriage has been over for 36 years, her second for 23 years, and her parents have been dead for 18 years! She wouldn't admit to this, of course, she doesn't see it.
Anyway... Things are looking up... And I think we're going to make it!

Bit of a change...

I decided to change the look of my page, for lack of anything else to do...
It now reflects a bit of my own history... my great grandmother was a full blooded Cherokee Indian... and, I'm told, was the meanest woman to ever walk the earth, LOL. And then there is where I live, Kansas, a Native American word, and I live in Kiowa County, named after the Kiowa Indians. Native American spirituality has always fascinated me... maybe it's in my blood?
What do you think of my new look?

Bird sitting

Every year, sparrows nest in a small opening on my front porch. And, every year, at least one baby falls out. Last year, the baby survived the fall, and had the start of feathers... I fed it until it was big enough to fly away...
This year, the first baby was too little to make it... but we have one now that we are feeding, and is almost ready to fly...
You just don't realize how much work feeding a baby bird is. He (I call it a he, I really can't tell until all his feathers come in) eats every 20 minutes or so, at least 16 hours a day. I always have to make sure that someone is here to "bird sit" when I'm out...we have unflatteringly named him "The Mouth", LOL.
I suppose some of you may think this is a lot of unneccessary work... I should just let nature take its course... but I really can't see letting these tiny birds die just because their parents have a lousy nesting spot. I know I can't save them all, but I think I have an obligation to at least try to save them...

Another day in the life....

Got up at 4 am, to be at work by 5:30 am. Really just wanted to stay curled up next to R. (Although we did have a very intense quickie before I got up, I really hate to fuck and leave... I miss that snuggling afterward)
Just got home at 1:30 pm and all I wanted to do was for R and I to go back to bed... I'm really tired, but I never sleep well without him there...
But my mom bought a new couch, and wanted R to help move the old one out and new one in, so within minutes of me coming home, he and Isaiah left with my mom. *Pout*
So, here I am, alone, reading all my "daily blogs"... he works every Saturday night, leaves around midnight, and I have to be at work again in the morning at 5:30, before he comes home, so it may be tomorrow night before I get to snuggle up with him...And then I work the graveyard again Mon and Tue nights... Damn, I hate working such weird hours...
Well he's back, but only to say they are going to take other stuff to the dump... *sigh*...
Maybe I will lie down a bit, maybe sleep will make the time go faster...
~*~*~*~
My sister and I joined a gym (sort of a gym - it's in the basement of our local hospital, and costs just $10 a month... The closest "real" gym is 30 miles away) on Tuesday, but so far my work schedule, and her work schedule, plus her social life have made it so we haven't found time to go yet... We tried last night, they are supposed to lock the doors at 10:30,even though you can stay as long as you like, but we went at 10:15 and they were already locked... So I guess we are going to try it again tonight... If her date with her fiance doesn't take up too much time...LOL...
I'm thinking that if I go back to working out regularly I will get back some of this energy that I seem to have lost working nights, and trying to sleep days...
I'm just sooo tired all the time....

Six Foot Town

Another song from Big & Rich.... this one makes me think they've been to Hick County...LOL

Six Foot Town

My brakes are on fire
From trying to slow down
I'm always burning my tires
And my horn is to loud
I catch people looking funny at me
When I step to the window and I toss a TV
Sometimes I get crazy and it makes a big scene
But when I hit 21 I wanna stand up and scream
I'm filthy rich with laughter, I'm too big for the room
You know from two stories up
A Zenith makes a big boom

It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around
In a six foot town.

Some people live inside a tiny little box
Yheir preoccupied about mismatching their socks
I never been one to worry about much
I just wanna laugh and love
I just wanna live it up

It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around
In a six foot town.

Sometimes I stumble just because of my size
But hey y'all that's alright
That's the way God made me
I am what I am
And I can't do nothing bout that

It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around

It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around
In a six foot town

Live This Life

Live This Life

Met a man on the street last night said his name was Jesus
Met a man on the street last night
Thought he was crazy till I watched him heal the blind man
I watched him heal the blind man now I see yeah
I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Then I will walk yes I will walk with patience through that open door
I have no fear angels follow me where ever I may go
I'll live this live until this life won't let me live here anymore

Met a girl in a chair with wheels but no one else would see here
Met a girl in a chair with wheels
Every one was so afraid to even look down on her
And she just spread her little wings and flew away
I'll live this life until this live won't let me live here anymore
And I will walk yes I will walk with patience though that open door
I have no fear angels follow me where ever I may go
I live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Live here anymore

Met a kid on a bridge last night contemplating freedom
Met a kid on a bridge last night
And he said I'm tired of this maddening life and I'm ready to go meet Jesus
I said he's a friend of mine met him just last night it's all right yeah
It's all right yeah
I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Then I will walk yes I will walk with patience through that open door
I have no fears angels follow me where ever I may go
I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Live here anymore
Met a man on the street last night said his name was Jesus
Met a man on the street last night

from Big & Rich's new album: "Horse of a Different Color"

It's gonna be a great day...

I have had the last three nights off... you don't know how wonderful it has been to sleep curled in R's arms every night... you who work days sometimes take that for granted, I think....With me working nights, and R working days, sleeping together is a precious luxury....
He is staying home today, which is even more wonderful... waking up together, having breakfast together... going back to bed together....;-)

Holding pattern in Chaos....

There are so many things out of control in my life... I don't have any one thing I can hang onto for sure. Chaos is ruling my life right now, and I hate that.
My relationship with R... I want it to work, yet I've been there before, and after a few months I get tired of making excuses in my head for all the irresponsible things about him that get on my nerves, and I start to think about leaving again...
(Hawke, in the middle of the night Saturday night, left an off line message for me, just saying "You there?"... No doubt he would have told me to drop what I was doing and come to the farm, although that is the first time he has tried to contact me since Father's Day... I felt that old familiar pang in the center of my chest when I saw that message.)
My job... I know that no job is perfect, everyone has problems, and I love the job itself (it's a great workout, actually) but getting less than no respect from my manager (newsflash: the company hasn't officially made her manager yet, and rumor has it they are not satisfied enough with her job performance to give her the title) working my ass off for the same pay that *that girl* in the morning gets for standing there doing nothing but running the register. The biggest thing, is that the insurance in unbelievably great... And with two kids, I need that... So I stay... BUT, I also have this part time job I am trying to get... Do I really want to add 20+ hours per week to my already 40+ hour schedule?? I could always use the money,.. But what kind of stress is that going to put on my relationship with R since the second job will be working the nights that I am not working at my main job???
Beliefs... Most people can tell you what they believe. I can tell you lots of things that I think sound plausible... But I am not sure if anything sounds concrete to me. I was raised in the Methodist Church, and I know that I am NOT a Methodist. I have spent time in the First Christian Disciples of Christ denomination, and felt a lack of teaching, nothing spiritual was happening there... I know that I do believe in God, and Jesus... But the Pagan and the Buddhist religion also seem to strike a chord with me...
I am 37 years old... Is there ever a time when I will know who I am?????

Bad anniversary

Today marks the 18th anniversary of the car accident that killed my grandparents...
My grandparents practically raised me, because my mom worked so much. They were my only example of unconditional love. When they were killed, I lost my only safe place on earth...
You know how in every grade in school there is one person that gets picked on by everyone?? That was me. Everyone thought I was fat... and got me to believe it, although I now look at pics of me then and I can't believe they talked me into thinking that...
I hated other kids... in high school even, I would carry ALL my books for EVERY class just so I wouldn't have to go back to the lockers, because all the kids hung out in those halls between classes... If I did pass someone in the hall, I would look down, because if I looked at someone and they caught my eye, they would have some hateful remark...
And yes, I did have friends... and there were quite a few people that didn't riddicule me, (they just ignored me) but in a small high school (total of 100 students in all 4 grades when I graduated) it is a big deal...
My grandparents loved me completely, for who I was... never tried to change me, as my mother always did... never told me I was never good at anything, like my mother did... never yelled at me, like my mother did...
Just loved me.
I still miss them terribly.... I still talk to my grandmother all the time... and I sometimes think I feel her presence with me...
I can't believe it's been 18 years....

Feathers update....

Update on the Feathers theme:

Three times in the past 10 days I have found feathers on the floor INSIDE my workplace... not down type feathers, but 4" - 5" regular feathers....
As I consider feathers to be messages, or signs, what do you think that means??

Defensive Pessimism

You know, it should be illegal for me to try and think when I'm tired.
I get so pessimistic, and things bother me too much.
Although, I consider myself a defensive pessimist.
I don't expect things to work, then when they don't, I'm not disappointed.
That is a hard habit to change, you know...
I'm not sure, even, how to change it...
I'm sure things are going to work out between R and I... I won't let it be any other way. I feel too safe with him... Starting another relationship, creating the trust, and getting to know another person from ground up would just take too much out of me, I think... R is safe, and he loves me. What could go wrong about that?? Plus, I guess it's better for our kids if we stay together...
~*~*~*~*~*~
It's 102 degrees with a 36% humidity level... Would be nice if I had my air conditioning fixed... R keeps telling me that he can fix it, he just hasn't got around to it yet... Can't afford to pay someone to do it...

More crap pouring out of my head....

I realized this morning that I am scared to try again with R.
The time we were together, my personality disappeared. It morphed into being a female carbon copy of his.
Also, his "lifestyle", (i.e. his slobbiness, his pack-rat mentality, his lack of self discipline) wear me out. It is like fighting a tidal wave with a teaspoon. It wears me out just thinking about it.
I don't want to deal with all that again, although since he moved in here after getting his utilities shut off he has sort of taken over my home too... it isn't even close to as clean and neat as I want it, but I am sooo tired of fighting a losing battle...
Is there even hope that this will work?? I am NOT changing my ways. Clean space is a necessity... and piles of dirty dishes in the sink, and dirty clothes in the living room are just not going to cut it with me...
I don't ever seeing him being disciplined enough to "clean up" his act, either...
*sigh*
Do I sound like a broken record??
We really have not been apart much, although we have been officially seperated for 5 years... he keeps following me, and something always happens that I end up letting him move in... I think HE can't live without ME...maybe he is the dependent one, the submissive one.... I didn't take him on to raise, though...
Oh well... I don't know what the answer is...